Moments That Are Suddenly New Again

Part of being pregnant is discovering all sorts of new things about your body.
Part of miscarrying is rediscovering all the old things about your body and everything else. An abbreviated list of things that have made me catch my breath...

Catching my reflection in profile
Fitting into clothes I'd put away in a box last week because they didn't fit
the onesey a friend gave me in the bottom of my underwear drawer
Not needing to stop at Felipe's for a tostada after work to tide me over until dinner
A kid in my class asking me this morning "Kendra, do you have any kids at your house?" "Why not?"
Hearing about a friend's ultrasound (Not bitter! Not jealous even, just surprised to find that I'm not going to have another one.)
Taking herbs and teas I wasn't allowed to
Being offered brie and having no internal conflict (and wine and beer)
Realizing that this was my last conversation with my midwife until my next "first" conversation with her.

The closest I can come to this feeling was the feeling I had during the first two weeks of my sophomore year at college when I suddenly realized that I'd have to drop out. There's this constant sense of editing... suddenly reworking plans, dreams and assumptions. I've been practicing meditation and yoga for years now in an effort to undo my conditioning, wake up, and let go of all my plans, dreams, assumptions and habitual thoughts. I wouldn't have guessed that a miscarriage would impact my awareness so much more effectively than any think I've done on purpose! I'm grateful for all these moments when I wake up.